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drown yourself in your good intentions

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and it's all downhill from here [03 May 2005|09:26am]
[ mood | crappy ]

I haven't updated in the longest. I'm sorry you guys. Things have just been ca-raaazzy. Um, well what can I say? Trey and I went back and forth for awhile. Cut my hair. Getting my lung removed because it was infected and now it's sexy cancer. Mmm. I'm so happy that I've been surrounded by smokers my whole life. Score. Dad had a stroke. Went to the best show last night. Pizsed at James. James + I= not an item. I miss my friends. Hailey, most importantly. I can say goodbye to that though. Been in and out of the hospital. Got in a car accident. Fell head over heels for THE guy. Better now that it's not SOME guy. I dunno, I'm a chicken shit and won't ask him out because of "time." Caught in a web. Feeling tired, it's hard to breath. I'll be in the hospital for two weeks. Going back to court over the whole parents thing soon. Um, well yeah. Give me a ring you guys. I don't know who really checks up on my lj or reads it so... love you and hopefully I'll see you around playas. Keep it real and Keep it Posi.

Power to the people

11 comments|post comment

Its always everyone versus you [07 Apr 2005|10:46pm]
[ mood | loved ]

Man, Jhood makes me feel awesome. Though all this crap's been going down, I'm keeping that smile. We have a theory that when things get bad, we're going to say, "man.. things can't get much better!" And hey, a positive outlook has to change, right? YEAH! Man, this weekend will rock. I mean, c'mon.. IT HAS TOO. So, this is what I couldn't say. My dad got my wrist fractured. He pulled me out of my car by my wrist. That's why I have to wear a lame wrist wrap. But whatev. Mahon thinks I'm gothic. Which I think is hiLArious. Bought some awesome red eyeshadow. Lovin' my contacts. Bought an awesome Elvis and Lenin. (seperate) Everyone should buy Punk Rock Holocaust. It's one of the most awesome movies EVER. Plus, it totally has Bert. Mmm. He gets killed though. Everyone does, actually. Lol. Anyways, I'm hanging it up with Ian. Erica on Sunday? Hailey on Saturday? Dunno, but I'm hoping for the best. Let's get this clear, I admire Cat Lemos. She's seriously a cool kid, no matter what goes down. And the whole Jon Morgan thing, I don't do grudges. All the same it'll take some time for me to get used too. Seeing my friends all hanging around him makes it a little hard to swollow. Just another thing I'll adjust too. It is bothersome, he's a cool guy. FRIEND, AWESOME FRIEND. Ugh, we're not even that. Don't you hate square one. I think I should just go back to square one with most of my friends. I'm scared for tomorrow. Jhood said he'll be there for me, which makes me smile. I have to work on my project with Sophia, Jess, and Paige. It's going to rock. I'm kinda upset about what Hailey said. It was that ONE day that everyone made fun of me for being Asian. That bothered me. Made me almost ashamed, I've NEVER been ashamed. It sucked. So, I think that's that. Losing Mike as a friend kinda blows. And I feel horrible that he's not talking to Ian. I guess this whole thing is my fault. My shoulders are getting heavy. But, the weight can be good. It'll all work itself out in the end. Well, to bed I go. I've been sleeping a lot. I leave you with...........

All the possibility and promise just weighs on me so heavily- and I try but I'm not convincing- your lips, they pout and twist- and I die trying just to keep myself from kissing you!- you take in everything with a certainty I envy- its somehow all I need- just keep me guessing please!- darling, all the awkward jump start stalling conversations- mean much more to me than anything- it comes down to me and you- and whether we're supposed to or not, we still will- we're so much better off than them- all the possibility and promise just weigh on me so heavily... A LOOK- A LAUGH- A MILE- a second passes by and I regret it- words just aren't right- sometimes I just can't explain- all the ways you devastate me- always on my my mind!

and i lied to myself and said it was for the best/ so now faith is replaced with a logic so cold/ I've disregarded that I was/ now that I'm older/ and I know much more than I did back then/ but the more I learn/ the more I can't understand/ and I've becoeme content with this life that I lead/ where I drink too much and don't believe in much of anything/ and I lie to myself/ and say ~its for the best~ /we're moving forward but holding ourselves back/ and we're waiting on something that will never come

Okay, well thanks to Jhood I feel great. He says that someone who doesn't opt to be with me is making a HUGE mistake. He said, "1-your beautiful, 2-your kind, 3-your so great!" Aw!!! Love you guys. And let the people whom you love know! PS!!!!! Leave a time where I made an impact on your life or a favorite memory of yours of us. I'll reply with the same! Post that request in your journal to see what people say!

3 comments|post comment

if you say your going to do something, live up to the created expectation [30 Mar 2005|08:12pm]
[ mood | sick ]

I'm really sick, yet again. I hate this house. I'm losing weight. Which I guess is good. I can "shed a couple of pounds." Goddamn. I'm getting less excited about the trip. I'm thinking of deleting this journal. I'm having a lame Spring Break. I know I'm not the only one. I'm just in a real downer mood. I spent 30 minutes puking out of my car. Um, I need to go back to bed. I don't think I'll go on the trip. I'll just stay home and see Skindred Saturday. I need to get out of this weird mood. It might be the drugs.... I don't know what my parents keep giving me. This is getting out of control. Anyone wanna take me in?

What do you do when your falling for someone whom you mean nothing to? What the hell do you do?

I just wish I had some cookies, or some heroin to give them.

Mmm, heroin. Shit, I need some sleep dude.

4 comments|post comment

AHHH PARTY!! [27 Mar 2005|04:38pm]
[ mood | ecstatic ]

Tomorrow, March 28, I'm having a awesome super di duper kickass party at my house. There will be games, fun (!!!!!!!!), pizza, and me if nothing else does it for ya. If you need directions, give me a ring 954*816*5082. It'll start around 7:30. If you need a ride, make sure you give me a ring and I'll sure as hell hook you up. This will be a blast, so your attendance is surely wanted. So, cancel previous plans and make sure to come out. Alright, love you all. Hope to see you.

6 comments|post comment

I need everyones honest... honest... honest... honesty [22 Mar 2005|09:12pm]
[ mood | silly ]

Monday I went to the mall and as I was walking to the entrance I saw a kid crying on a bench. Everyone passed him by and sometimes people exchanged a glance only to say with their eyes, "what's this kids problem?!" So, I sat myself beside this kid and just made an upset face and said..."has the ice cream truck come yet?" He just looked at me and smiled.. "no, not yet silly!" "Well, as long as I don't miss it. You know, my favorite ice cream is the ice one.. WITH GUM IN THE BOTTOM!" "Really?! My sister liked that one." "Well, your sister was one awesome girl." "She passed away last week, I miss her." "She's looking at you now, holding you trying to help you stop crying. It'll be okay, she misses you too. It's up to you to continue to make her happy in heaven." I smiled and he ran after me and said, "your an angel. thank you." I just smiled real big and walked off. My heart seems somewhat lighter and my spirits lifted. We all know my personal opinion of myself. But to have this little kid express his appreaciation just meant a lot. I try to be nice to everyone, but sometimes.. it's nice to be thanked. So, I recommand people just be nice to everyone. Sharing a smile does a lot more than you'll ever believe.

I'm super excited for tomorrow. My friends, the show, my lip PIERCING. Hahaha. You guys, I'm physched. I miss Shane. It sucks out loud. I miss Hailey, which really blows. But I'm happy we finally have break. Still looking for that lover. Any tips on how to find him, lemme know. Hanging out with Ian made me feel happy. He's a awesome kid. Kudos to you Ian, you rock at life. So, talking to Trey today. We had a conversation. He said when he first met me.... well here's the convo. bitches. <3 Thesceneownsu [9:26 PM]: when i first met u i noticed u with ur friends across the room
Twostepnonugrave [9:26 PM]: ::Like a movie;:
Thesceneownsu [9:27 PM]: yea it was like time stoppped
Thesceneownsu [9:27 PM]: i just noticed how u made them all laugh and smile
Thesceneownsu [9:27 PM]: and u glanced my way and smiled
Thesceneownsu [9:27 PM]: i just MELTED
Twostepnonugrave [9:27 PM]: your sweet
Thesceneownsu [9:28 PM]: everything about you just drew me to you
Thesceneownsu [9:28 PM]: i guess i sound lame
Thesceneownsu [9:28 PM]: but ur not like other girls
Thesceneownsu [9:28 PM]: and u dont give urself enough credit
Twostepnonugrave [9:28 PM]: I didn't know you felt this way, silly goose
Twostepnonugrave [9:28 PM]: :-)
Thesceneownsu [9:29 PM]: you always find a way to make people smile even if UR the one feeling down
Thesceneownsu [9:29 PM]: and ur just amazing
Thesceneownsu [9:29 PM]: i mean u come off with so much confidence
Twostepnonugrave [9:29 PM]: Haha I have NONE
Thesceneownsu [9:29 PM]: but you can't tell
Thesceneownsu [9:29 PM]: just the way you hold conversation, you seem to care about such minut details
Thesceneownsu [9:30 PM]: which can make all the difference
Twostepnonugrave [9:30 PM]: Thank you soo much
Twostepnonugrave [9:30 PM]: Aw, trey
Thesceneownsu [9:30 PM]: listen, i'm only jealous because everyone wants u and i couldnt stand the thought of losing u to my friends
Thesceneownsu [9:30 PM]: im sorry
Thesceneownsu [9:30 PM]: but i dont want you to feel any less about yourself
Thesceneownsu [9:31 PM]: you will always be the most unique and breathtaking beautiful person i've ever met in every way possible
Thesceneownsu [9:31 PM]: and I know, for a fact I'm not the only one who thinks so
Thesceneownsu [9:31 PM]: sweet dreams gorgeous

well, be safe you guys. don't get too crunk without me. Um, duah it's totally not a partay if I'm not there. And I leave you with.........

My obsession with kissing girls purely for fun. You know, like worshiping Satan is fun

btw, if anyone knows how to personalize your mood icon set lemme know. I have pics I want to use. <3 <3

9 comments|post comment

Its really really super sexy to be here [15 Mar 2005|10:09pm]
[ mood | cheerful ]

Following my loves trend this journal will become friends only as it will be made more personal. Mmm, juicy. So, comment if you would like to be kept. Realize, with me sharing more.. you must keep up your end and comment. Okay dolls, Love ya and sorry to do this to you. But, if you don't comment by Thursday.. i'll take it as you would like to be removed or can't hold up your end of the deal. <33

Image hosted by Photobucket.com

ps-next tattoo mmmmmmmm Image hosted by Photobucket.com

27 comments|post comment

rainstorm, take me away from the north [12 Mar 2005|10:34am]
[ mood | crushed ]

Okay, so I haven't updated in quite awhile. A lot has happened since last update. I guess I'll compact everything for this entry. Well, my cars going to get taken away. Which I guess I deserve. Maybe I took it for granted. Well, here's the thing. Got a ticket last Saturday. Officer said, "You have no fees to pay, you do not have to make an appearence in court, you do not have to attend traffic school, and you do not have any points taken to your license. Just read this pamphlet." So, read it and freaked out because I had to pay 250$. Talked to my friends and they said it was just a warning. So, I relaxed.. and didn't speed again. So, I guess your all wondering what I did. I'm super lame.. 64 in a 45. So, they SHOULD charge me the amount for 11-19 BUT NO, I have to pay $301.50. Yeah, I have 29 DAYS to raise/ get the money. Now, back to why I'll lose my car. My parents and family are going through a really bad time money wise. My grandfather's house isn't selling, so my parents are paying for two houses. My dad's been sick so he won't get his bonus and it takes longer for him to get paid. My mom has been sick as well so it'll take longer for her to get her paycheck as well. Now, they took all their days off for their anniversary and when I had pneumonia and had my hospital stays. In case you wondering why they didn't get paid while sick. As for me and my job, my doctor said I can't work till the 1st of April. I won't even be here then.. so I can't work till the 4th. So, it'll take longer for ME to get paid as well. So, with so little income we can't really afford the insurance. My parents never told me, but all the money that WAS in my savings account was taken out when we bought the car to help pay for the other house and my car. So, I have no savings account money anymore which makes me want to cry. That was my grandfather's present to me.. my education! Yeah.. I have to start from scratch to put money back into my account for college. I will be getting points to my license if I plead guilty. Then my insurance will sky rocket to the point where we can't pay it and consequently will have to sell the car. If I plead not guilty, and I lose.. my license will be taken away. Not to mention the lawyer fee I'll have to pay. Well, I'm trying to raise money. I want to take the time to thank the people whos great generosity has touched my heart. Thanks, but I can't except your offers. Really, thank you.
-Aunt Bri
Derrik is in the hospital because of his car accident. The guy WHO RAN A RED LIGHT and hit him wants to take Derrik to court and plead innocent! DERRIK'S THE ONE IN THE HOSPITAL with no fucking side/ front to his car! Trey left my performance to go help Derrik. I wanted to cry but I understood. Hailey and Jordan were there for me. Melissa, Kathy, Carol, and my parents came as well. My Aunt Annie's surgery went well but she's still having stomach pains. My Aunt Bri is as gorgeous and warm as always. She lost more weight which I thought to be impossible. So, thanks to everyone. I love you. And Trey, it's all okay. Thanks for the sweater. <3

7 comments|post comment

at worst they're confused [06 Mar 2005|09:01pm]
[ mood | grateful ]

When you do the things you do with love, you give life a gleam that most people only carry a glimpse of. Your attitude affects the outcome of so many thigns. Smiles inspire smiles. Reaching out brings people in. Looking on the bright side doesn't entail being naiive and donning rose-colored glasses. It simply means leaving the cynicism and complaining to someone else, someone who will spend their whole life wondering why good things don't come their way.

Being a positive person, someone who looks forward to so much, is not only rewarding, it's refreshing. The wisest people on earth are those who have a hard time recalling their worries... and an easy time remembering their blessings.

With that said, I want to mention something that some may not know. This may be shaddy and not easily understood. Don't read too deep, I don't want you to misread. If you know what/ whom this concerns know I hold no ill will. You being who you are, I want to say I regret nothing. I don't regret every single smile I gave, shoulder to cry on/ helping hand I offered, words I spoke, or gestures I did. You know I should be angry. I should be outraged. In the haze of all this I can't believe I worried. I forgot what I have going for me and a sunset showed me that. My friends at my bedside, showed me that. Forgiveness showed me that. I expect nothing of you or from you. Which is not to be taken as I don't expect anything of you. I expect you to shine. I don't know what you are now but I know who you were. Why did you change? So unnecessary. Please, be happy with who you are and don't lose track of your special qualities. Because I can say in the mix of this weekend, I did. I forgot how to smile and that it's important to laugh and it's okay to hurt. But with the pain something beautiful must flourish. It's only a mistake if you don't learn from it. Please, enjoy the now and remember... I don't regret. So call me a sucker call me what you will. So, my lesson to you select people this refers to....Set the time for 6 and a half minutes to be lonely, and 22 minutes to feel sorry for yourself. And then when the bell rings, take a shower or a walk..hell listen to music- and think about someone else.

If you take anything away from this entry, please take this; never judge people, don't type them too quickly..but in a pinch never first assume that they're bad.. first assume always that they're good and that at worst they're in the gray area between bad and good.

So, on those days where I'm worn out and I seem up tight or dull. I will never forget it doesn't take much energy to offer a hug or smile. I love you guys, really.

10 comments|post comment

WATCH AND SEE [03 Mar 2005|08:21pm]
[ mood | ecstatic ]

Man, I'm going to be something big some day. You'll see my name and lights. My name will be on the tip of your tounge. Your so lucky, that day is today.
I've been constantly reaching for something more and man it's pulling off without a hitch. So kudos to me. Screamo, GET INTO IT!
I'm in love.
And I'm soooo alright with admitting it. Awesome!
This weekend WILL be everything you could dream for. Trip to Orlando? Some SHOWS? SOME SEX? Hahaha no. Unless....
Well, I'm in love.. HAPPY. Yeah, it's awesome. I love Erica. I love Hailey. And Trey said he loves me. Love is awesome. Someone loving you back is even better. Anyways, I'm the up and coming and you should all jump on board. Give me a call if you need me this weekend. Oh and you guys, tell people how you feel. If you hold off, it just can complicate things or they'll lose whatever feelings they had because they didn't know. Well, with that weight off my chest.. I can get back to my screaming. Mmm, screaming so hard and loud that I'm puking... nothing could be more sexy. I'm so happy and ecstatic. Man, I rock major tubesocks. All those who believe in me, rock too. <3 Leave some love.

2 comments|post comment

and you never would of thought in the end how amazing it is just to live again [27 Feb 2005|07:45pm]
[ mood | drained ]

This weekend was indescribable. But I'll sum it up with the best words I can. All expierences will not be forgotten and have burrowed a way into my heart. The surrealness of it all.. man I'm lucky to be alive.

Friday I left school early to go to the hospital. I already update about that but it sucked, hardcore. Wore my heart monitor to the FSF and Starting Line show. Didn't stay for Starting Line, I think we all know why. Saw everyone there and it was pretty sawheet. But things were to only get better. Especially talking with Erica all the ride home. Man, it was like old times.. but a trillion times better. Hailey gave Olivier a ride home, yeah I know.
Saturday started the epic adventure I thought I could never forge or think of in my WILDEST dreams. Went to work, all hum drum and such. Hung out with Kolby who works at the pretzal stand by the store I work at. It was nice, he's cool. His brother works at PacSun. Got to meet him too. His name is Joel and Joel bought me a hot chocolate. Opened the store and my boss asked me to help fold stuff. Not too shabby. Got points for helping 4 customers. Left work, came home.. passed out and woke up and called Shane. Worked out that I would pick him up in an hour and a half. Fell back asleep, rushed to get ready and boarded 1-95. While on 595 Erica called and I said I would go get her after I got Shane. I was supa di dupa excited. Hanging out with Shane's so awesome. He always makes me laugh. Got Erica, after Shane and I did a bunch of tiny doughnuts. Like munchkins from Dunkin Donuts. ;) Left and went to my house and watched Spongebob!! (March 1st you guys have to buy the movie!!!) Left and went to the Coral Square Mall and bought me a P I M P belt buckle. Came BACK home and left towards BOCA to eat with Hailey, Jordan, and Gary. Did that, skipped, and frolicked to the car. Brought Shane home and made friends on I-95. Gave em' my number while driving... SKILL. Haha, actually it was Erica, kudos Erica. Were going to hang out with them later? So, Went BACK to Erica's and got ready. Olivier came over, talked to the rents and we all left happily ever after towards the beach. Got Denny's after ditching the Bob Marley Daytona kids. Left to hang out with Chris. Hung out in a Miami Subs parking lot (2 a.m. ish) And then we went to Dunkin Donuts then to Taco Bell. Ran through sprinklers, pushed some carts, did some dancing, and played with chalk. Man it was fun, although my blatter was going hella crazy. Got hit on a lot. oh ps All Absense, get INTO it. So, around 4 am we sat in chairs and talked in the parking lot while a crazy black man stared at us. So awesome. Then we went to Steak and Shake and got lots of free food. I fell in love. Had a blast and went to WalMart. Watch the sun not rise and ran through some rain after the power went out. Sat in Chris's car and talked about things. Left to take Erica and Olivier home at 8 am ish. I think they hate me now. I love how that works out. Phone died and drove my ass BACK to Sawgrass to hang with Chris. His phone was out of service. Came back home and fell asleep. Awoke to Hailey's voice, all was pleasent. Were going to hang out. Helped dad put up the number's on the house and fell asleep in the rocking chair. Woke up and realized I was supposed to call Hailey like 2 hours ago. Damn, I'm a bad friend. She was with Jordan.. sOo I opted out to let her spend time with him. Went BACK to sleep, talked to Chris.. left the house and hung out with Michelle. Talking to her can be such a release. Came back home and took another shower. Now, I'm going to go watch some old videos. Hope I don't cry. I miss my old friends sometimes. Like Jose, come back Jose. OMGAH I SAW BRUCE the now brunette AT THE FACTORY FRIDAY.. end of entry. <3 call me to make plans for this weekend.

6 comments|post comment

you are the burn master... INCINERATION [24 Feb 2005|07:18pm]
[ mood | crappy ]

Practice makes perfect. How much practice will make you perfect at something though? What if you put in the effort, hard work, and time but your result doesn't compare or transcend the expectations of the one you work to please? Well, I tell you now, I don't have an answer. Quite frankly, I'm searching for one. I try so hard in band. I practice outside of school. Just one someone depends on me, I fail them. It's not just me failing two people... or three. It's the ginormous block I feel I'm carrying. I'm letting down my grandfather. I breath in and I can't support enough air to blow through the instrument without coughing up a lung or feeling blood run down my nose. It's hard to understand what I'm going through. I can't desribe it. It's a lonely feeling though and I don't have anyone to talk about it with. Sitting in my car, short of breath and franticly searching for my inhaler scared me to tears. I was shaking and no one knew. I realized, I have to find strength in me. No one can be there for me ALL the time. It's not judgement on my awesome friends, it's just I'm feeling a little down in the dumps. I'm not bitching.. things are alright. It's just I'm sorry you guys. If I spread myself too thin or stretch myself too far. I want to be an awesome friend to you, but I see to be suckin' at it. I love you guys with all my heart though and you should know you mean the world to me. So, let's make plans.. and I won't let you down. Promise. Don't let me down either. ;) I doubt you guys could do that. I won't let my sickness limit me. Tomorrow I go to the hospital. I'm super nervous. I feel like I need someone to hold my hand still. Getting a mamogram, stress test, heart tests, and I have to wear a heart moniter for 24 hours. I'm not too excited, but I'll sure feel like a music star carrying around what looks like a mic pack all day. And I get to leave school early. Well, I love ya guys.. and I'll see ya around. I just wish I had someone who I didn't need to say anything and they would just understand I needed to have an outlet...

3 comments|post comment

!!!!!!!!!!!!! PICTURE POST !!!!!!!! [22 Feb 2005|06:47pm]
[ mood | chipper ]

while we were making love I was fast asleepCollapse )

6 comments|post comment

man, fuck florida [21 Feb 2005|11:43am]
[ mood | chipper ]

Okay, this weekend could not have been any better. It surely exceeded my wildest wishes and dreams. Friday I don't remember so, that's really okay. Saturday though, oh Saturday................ HAILEY CAME OVER!! Yeah and it was totally awesome. We hit up Crappy Jacks and got some of his crabs and bit some of his wings. Eww. Then we went to SUPA Targe' to get gum and lots of batteries. Yes! We jammed out to MCR and headed to the concert. Got there and got an awesome parkin' spot. Got in line and totally had a blast. Seriously, waiting for almost 2 hours should not have been this fun. We went in, got my shit I wanted, and waited on the stairs till it really opened. Walked to the 3rd row, lol.. and chilaxed. Hell, no need to be in front, yet. ;) Saw her friends, met them, and thought.. wow TOTALLY AWESOME. Leaned back to MCR and yelled when asked to yell if were pregnant. Man, that was awesome. Bert talked of Gerard's asshole and how he ate pussy. A dead pussy. Hey, he's kind.. he didn't want to waste it. MmmM. Well, concert was awesome. Bert got a ticket for cursing too much and was excorted off the stage. They weren't able to play an encore. :( Seriously sad. But I totally met the band and it was so freakin' awesome. Hailey got shit signed. Lol, me too! Should've bought the poster. ::shakes fist:: Made friendly with some guards. And got some new friends from Orlando. Left and a white van pulled up next to us and we settled on goin' to Denny's. Don't remember what band they were but Hailey and I will get it eventually. Had some good food and awesome laughs. Fuck Florida.. Hailey and I will just go to New Jersey and hang out with Ohio. So, if anyone can do me a huge favor and upload about 12 pics onto an image hosting site they have, lemme know. I have 56k and it's waaaayyy to damn slow. I can't get anything uploaded in less than about 8 hours. So, if you can do me this huge favor I'd be sooooooooooo grateful. <333 So, if someone does this my next post will be a picture one with my new haircut and my lova Hailey.

1 comment|post comment

Well you never saw my best scene, the one where I sleep [18 Feb 2005|09:44pm]
[ mood | excited ]

I could be the one to be your next best friend, you might need someone to hold you.

These uh, two days have been alright. Not awesomely wild but alright. Except for hanging with Chris today. That rocked hardcore. Getting lost didn't. Anyways, yesterday I went to the doctor which sucked. He told me I was overweight but to soften the blow told me I had a pretty face and awesome personality. Alright, lol. Left and ran two miles. Then dinner with Trey, Daniel, Mike, Gavin, Lisa, and my parents. It was nice because we didn't need an occasion. So, after that me and Mike went to Trey's show. It was cool. Saw the people I wanted and watched Trey's band. Parking was getting hella expensive so I left. I had a blast. We took lots of pics, so I had my random picture day. Not exactly all the people I wanted (coughGREGcough) but I can always make a more conveinant rondevous with him. Came home, took a shower, and put on adult swim and fell asleep. Woke up to Thelma hovering over me to ask me if I put all my dirty laundry in the hamper. In which I replied, "what the fuck!?" Yeah, so.. I wasn't awake and having a big black buck-toothed women in your face may surprise you when you just wake up. Meh. So, I pull the covers over my head and say, "uh well yeah. Close the door behind you, I'm sleeping still." She said, "alrighty sweetness." Damn her and her endless nicknames for me. Woke up and noticed we had mexicans in our yard. They were laying our grass. It looks awesome. So, I got dressed and picked up Olivier. My dad had his nurse come. Yeah, my dad has an at home nurse now, sad really. Picked him up and we hung out with Chris. Took Olivier to Sam's and took Chris back and hung out with him. He's super funny and I had an awesome time. We fell asleep in my car and we left. Went to Sawgrass Mall for a bit. Drove to the show and came home. Ate some subway, mmmmmmm. Now I'm going to bed so I can have everything all neat and awesome for my lova tomorrow. Mmm, Hailster, I <3 you. I'm so excited. Why aren't people celebrating and dancing in the streets. Tomorrow, FT. LAUDERDALE WILL BE GRACED WITH THE PRESENCE OF GERARD AND BERT!!!!!!!!! Uh, duah we should all be hella happy. So, I'm super excited to spend some time with Hailey while listening to my favorite bands. (AKA AQUA, THE USED, AND MCR.) Haha. Well, if your going tomorrow can't wait to see ya there. OH and Sunday we're hitting up REN-FEST with our pimp gobblets. Call me.

3 comments|post comment

I find myself drifting into the sky, falling [16 Feb 2005|10:54pm]
[ mood | blah ]

Things are pretty bad. (*Keep It Posi.*) Yeah, well they are. I mean, let's be truthful... I'm seemingly in a dead end relationship. Ander's an amazing person, sweet and kind. But let's face it, I'm not cut out for him. He doesn't like me all that much. So, what to do is beyond me. Smiles in place for everyone to see but faking is half the job. I'm starting to feel really insignificant in such a big place. Amongst my friends I'm getting left behind. Change is good, I mean I never want to be able to settle. Just get "used" to how things are. I like when change comes, I guess. It's just I'm missing the way things were. I don't believe in regret because everything happens for a reason and the way things happen is the way their meant to unfold. Doesn't mean I can't alter the way things are or will be. I just feel powerless these days. Not much I do seems to make people happy. But I won't give up. I'm not much of one to do things for self profit. Maybe I need to learn how to be selfish. Well, watching SAW with Arthur after school tomorrow and then going to the doctor. Possibly have picture time with Greg. I look forward to it. I don't feel so happy. Losing my confidence. When whomever you date/ like doesn't think much of you, it's hard for you to do so. Maybe feeling like your important is overrated. My motives seem so unclear nowadays. I just want my close friends back. I like that my days are booked. Their actually booked with people I want to spend time with. It's just hard not being able to say what I want as much. Why won't they notice me? Why don't they want me? Why do I have to be this way? Why aren't I good enough for you? Why can't people just like me for me. And seriously, I doubt anyone really cares about these kind of entries. Oh well. Better days guys. <3

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spend your days in a daze [15 Feb 2005|10:04pm]
[ mood | crushed ]

How eventful. I love Valentines. Happy Birthday Hillary. Yesterday I spent time with my beloved Hailey. It was stupendous as always. Spent time with Trey, Greg, Daniel, Mark, and Robert. It was awesome. Ander gave me a rose that I already sprayed. Today I had an alright day. Went to dinner at Cabrara's with Ander. It was great. Carol and Peter came over and got drunk with my parents. My dad's walking around with an IV because he has a bad infection taking over his hand. Seriously, between my dad and I this household is a zoo of sickness. Left and picked up milk and saw Anthony. Talked to him a bit, likes my haircut. That was awesome. He said I look good, which was even better. So, this weeks plans changed a bit. Friday Greg wants to hang out but I don't think we will. I want to plan a hang out where we can all watch Saw. I love that movie. The concert is Saturday and I'm still going. Sunday I'm doin' Ren Fest with Hailey and Jordan. I'm sure I'll get others. Hopefully Michelle will be coming Saturday and join us on Sunday. I know I'm too cool to be a 3rd wheel but I don't think Jordan likes me much and who likes a time moocher when your with your lova?! I STILL need to plan a random picture day. So much to do. I have lots of tests to make up, which blows. Just painted my nails Taxi Cab Yellow. I suck at painting nails because whenever I do them I remember lots of things I need/ want to do and I always mess em' up because I don't wait for them to dry. Ugh, I want to fall in love. I was watching some special today and it was talking about this married couple and how when the boy first saw the girl he knew how amazing she was and he lost his breath. He knew from that moment he wanted to be with her because he didn't want her to belong to anyone else. AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!! Anyways, I'm starting to get used to my haircut. And I'm getting used to the fact that penguins are only in zoos in Hawaii. I got my shots today and it hurt like a bitch and I have another doctor's appointment after school Thursday. I'm sick of being sick. Well, I'm going to go to bed. See y'all around. <3333

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I rather be dead than make more mistakes [13 Feb 2005|09:14pm]
[ mood | complacent ]

Okay, I had an amazing weekend. Hung out with the cream of the crop friends. Hailey and Jordan came with me to get Olivier and we hung out. Went to Big Louies. Major fun listening to Aqua, creepy... but fun. Bought a Hello Kitty dvd for 2-5 year olds. Watched it the following day at Michelles. It blowed. Royally. We hung out with Joe and got my car washed!!!!!!!!!! It was soooooooo much fun. It's like a ride, I felt like a little kid because I was sooo in love with it. Lucy's clean!! Colored in my Nascar coloring book! Colored all the guys black. Everyone knows only BLACK PEOPLE do Nascar anyways. So, I got my hair cut. It's supa ugly. Seriously, I'm considering shaving IT ALL OFF. Whatev. I'll get used to the look I guess. I have bangs again. God, this hair cut looks like crap! Anyways, I'M SOOOOOO FLIPPIN' EXCITED FOR VALENTINES OMFGAH. If you go to school with me I'll have your surprises tomorrow instead of mailing em'. If you live far you should be getting it tomorrow or the next day. I sent em' Saturday. Do enjoy! Went to an happenin' party with Michelle last night and we watched Shark Tale. It was awesome. Really cute and funny. This will be the best week ever. Tomorrow's Valentines and my parents 24th anniversary, Tuesday is two months AND I'll be late to school AND it's Hillary's birthday, Wed is Mellissas play, Thurs is Trey's "new band" practice, FRIDAY theres no school and I might just be in Orlando, SATURDAY IS FUCKING TASTE OF CHAOS TOUR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!, Sunday REN FEST, and Monday........dunno. Lol. I'm soo excited. Today I got service hours at St. Pius for the Jazz thing. It was hell. I had fun working with Carrie, Frankie, Michelle, Kelly, Amy, Maddy, and seeing Jesse. There's was a hella bitchtastic old lady acting like a nazi in the kitchen. Oh well, I'm happy I'm home. I'm going to be soon because my antibiotics have worn me out yet again. Well, update soon! Love you all and lemme know when you receive your "surprises." <3333

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For someone who has felt so strong it's amazing I'm completely gone [10 Feb 2005|11:53pm]
[ mood | cheerful ]

You say love makes the world go roundCollapse )

Well, more update later! Just excited cuz' I got my pictures to work!!

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Your amazing, I want you to see... you are everything and more to me [09 Feb 2005|07:53pm]
[ mood | blah ]

Everyone has something that makes them happy. The little somethings that stop and bring a slight grin or smile to their face. Those little somethings are what I like to think of when things don't seem to be looking up. Well, here's my list. If you agree, plus (+) it and if you don't minus (-) it or even add to it. Everyone should copy the bold subjects and create your own pluses and see what others think of you. Well, here goes.

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sometimes, it takes one person's exsistence to make yours worth living [07 Feb 2005|09:29pm]
[ mood | exhausted ]

Well, I'm working hard on everyone's "surprise." Anyone and everyone whose address I have, I'm working on it. I'll tell you, the farther away you live.. the sooner you should get it because their the ones I'm working on first. Sorry my Floridians. <3 Anyways, I really hope you guys enjoy it. The heart and thoughts behind it, and I'm trying to convince myself that my efforts will be well worth it to all of you. Hopefully you can all feel my appreaciation for whatever impact you've made on my life. No matter who you are, I assure you it's a great one.

How I feel right now.. I loveCollapse )

So, I'm not going to school for almost the rest of the month. That's right, it's worse. Not only do I have a bacterial infection (pneumonia), I have MONO.. a viral infection. No amount of antibiotics can really do something about a viral infection. I'll be hospitalized soon because my blood count's going crazy. I miss school. I miss a lot when I'm spending all my time taking meds and sleeping. I'm sleeping so much that my muscles seem to be shriveling. I miss my friends, a lot. It's weird. I feel so horrible, but in all actuality, I just want someone who wants to listen. "Just talk and I'll listen." But it's hard to ask people to care when it doesn't seem important. Don't get me wrong, I've never been one to think anythings trivial. Well, I guess I'm going to get back to bed. Just wanted you all to know I'm working on your surprises. I really hope you enjoy them. I really do. I love you guys, thanks for being my everything.

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